Ever have trouble with difficult emotions overwhelming you?  This article lists 5 steps to help you heal from difficult emotions.  Read more …

• learn inner reflection launches healing recovery
• understand how avoidance is temporary relief
• untangle difficult emotions
• make sense of difficult emotions
• gain peace in relationships

Disclaimer: This article has educational resources about restoring wellness, and is based on my research and my experiences.  This information is not meant to take the place of medical treatment, counseling or therapy.  If it would be helpful to talk to someone, wellness resources has information on how to contact a mental health professional in your area.

Summary of this post:

5 Steps to Heal from Difficult Emotions

Healing begins with knowing 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions.

1. Putting up Walls
2. Reflection begins Healing Recovery
3. Avoidance Island is Temporary Relief
4. Diving in Alone vs. with Help
5. 5 Steps to Heal from Difficult Emotions:
   Healing begins with knowing 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions.
   Steps #1-5

TIP: It is so important to have a good support system when dealing with difficult emotions.  While you are reflecting on your feelings and thoughts, if you are feeling distressed or overwhelmed, it is okay to stop and talk to a trusted friend or counselor.  Need help finding a counselor?  The wellness resources has information on how to contact a mental health professional in your area.

Putting Up Walls

There are times that I struggle with strong difficult feelings that overwhelm me.  One of the difficult emotions that is hard to deal with is feeling rejected.

I feel rejected when someone leaves for a long time, or when they can’t be with me when I need them.  I feel hurt and don’t want to hurt again, so I put up a wall so that they can’t hurt me again.

These walls used to stay up for days or longer if it was a deep hurt.  Walls would look like me distancing myself from them, not engaging with them, and sometimes just avoiding them.  Others have said that their walls may look like silent treatments, cold shoulders, social rejection, peer pressure, rumors, and possibly walking away for good and no more contact.

Real Life Application:

1. What do your walls look like?
2. When do you put your walls up?

Want to heal from difficult emotions like rejection?  Read more to launch your healing.

Reflection Begins Healing Recovery

Yes, walls protect me but walls also distance me from those I care about.

When it comes to those I really care about, their rejection can hurt the most.  I have learned that the sooner I figure out what I am really hurt about and talk to the person, the sooner healing and recovery can begin.

It’s very important to take the time to learn more about yourself so that you can heal and recover.  Taking the time for inner reflection launches the healing recovery to begin.  That’s what helps the walls come down, understanding the reason you built the wall in the first place.

Avoidance Island is Temporary Relief

Sometimes I joke that I live on Avoidance Island, it’s temporary relief and I can avoid my problems by acting like they are not there.  Someone asked me if others are on the island.  I said sure, we just avoid each other and act like it’s just our own island.  I can laugh about it now because I know (1) how to recognize when I’m living on Avoidance Island, (2) know what to do to get off the temporary island, and (3) return back to Reality Land.

Here’s what avoiding looks like in real life using my earlier example.  I was panicked because I was being thrown into saying good-bye way more quickly that I had prepared for, because I had not prepared at all, I didn’t want to say good-bye.  I was avoiding the whole good-bye, avoiding all feelings and thinking about it.  Yet, this avoiding was not helping me at all.

I recognized I was living on Avoidance Island, I wanted to avoid all problems.

Avoiding my feelings and thoughts only brings temporary relief.  For a short while, I do not have to think about those difficult feelings.  Except, later that night or the next day the feelings and thoughts come rushing in because they are trapped inside.

Beginning to heal includes knowing how to deal with difficult feelings and thoughts.  This is where the 5 steps helps out when dealing with difficult emotions.  These steps help me know what to do to get off the temporary island, and how to return back to Reality Land to heal.

Diving in Alone vs. with Help

Before we dive in to steps to heal from difficult emotions, it’s very important to know that this can be a hard process to heal.  Especially alone and by yourself, it can be hard to deal with difficult emotions.  Sometimes, having someone with you on this journey can be helpful.  I talk with a friend or I talk it out with my own counselor and it helps me bounce back so much better.

So, at any time through this journey if I feel overwhelmed, I stop and find someone I trust to walk through the journey with me.  I hope you will do the same if you are feeling overwhelmed, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust and ask them to walk this journey with you.

What does walking the journey with you look like?  Meet with them, in person if possible, talk with them, share what’s bothering you.  If you know what you need, ask them to help.  Sometimes, talking with a unbiased person who is only there to listen to you and support you is seriously life-changing and healing.  That person for me has been my best friends, my husband, my family, and my counselor.

If it would be helpful to talk to a counselor, wellness resources has information on how to contact a mental health professional in your area.

5 Steps to Heal from Difficult Emotions

Healing begins with knowing 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions.

Here are the 5 steps to heal from difficult emotions and benefits in the healing journey:

• learn how inner reflection launches healing recovery
• understand how avoidance is temporary relief
• untangle difficult emotions
• make sense of difficult emotions
• gain peace in relationships

Ready to heal?  These steps can help you know what to do to get off the temporary island, and how to return back to Reality Land to heal.

1. Accept the present moment.

I accept the present moment, this is a time of suffering.

The truth is I don’t really like good-byes in general.  So, I learn to accept that I don’t like good-byes in my relationships at all. And yes, sometimes this step can take some time to really accept the difficult situation that comes with difficult emotions.

This is the first step: recognizing I’m on Avoidance Island, because sometimes I don’t even realize I’m back on Avoidance Island because it’s temporarily comfortable and familiar.  Recognizing I’m on Avoidance Island includes accepting I’m avoiding problems and accepting what my limitations or what I don’t like.

At least now this awareness gives me a heads up that I may need to prepare for a good-bye.  Having a plan helps me feel better, like having relational support helps me focus on something positive.

I let myself feel the pain and an image of strong rejection flashed in my mind.  By accepting this reaction, I am offering compassion to myself: It’s okay that I don’t like good-byes.

Real Life Application:

1. What would help you get off Avoidance Island?
2. How can you accept the present moment?

For me, I feel rejected.  Acknowledging my feeling rejected helps me identify my difficult feeling, now I can leave Avoidance Island with acceptance.

This affirmation helps me accept the present moment:

In this present moment I am suffering and feel rejected.

2. Feeling larger than situation?

Now that I’ve accepted I’m on Avoidance Island, how do I get off safely?  Well, having help of trusted friends can help you feel safe.  Now to get off the island.

Second step is to transport myself off the island and back to Reality Land.  Emotional transportation from Avoidance to Reality needs to include reflecting on the size of the situation and the size of your feelings.

In fact, that is what clued me in… the incongruency (mismatch) of my feelings were way stronger than the situation.  So my friend was leaving a lot earlier, why did I feel so rejected?  The situation of my friend leaving was usually not this big of a deal, but my reaction was big and my emotions were fast.

KEY: The situation seemed smaller than my reaction.  In other words, my reaction was bigger than the situation.

One way to identify triggers is to notice there’s a sudden change in your feelings and your reaction may be larger than the situation.  What does that look like when your feeling suddenly change and your reaction is larger than the situation?

Sometimes, we may know we are overreacting, freaking out, panicking.  But we may not know what to do to help ourselves calm down and feel better.  We are reacting big time and it feels scary!

That is when I realized my friend leaving was a trigger for me, it triggered all the other times I had felt left out or not wanted, this was a trigger for feeling rejected.

So, the first step is asking yourself, does my reaction match the size of the situation?

Real Life Application:

1. Do the situation and your reaction seem the same size?
2. What is it that upsets you?
3. What are you more upset about (go deeper)?

Does your anger or hurt match the action of the other person?  For example, the last time I felt rejected was when my best friend was leaving to go out of town.  I thought I knew when they were leaving, and then found out at the last minute they were leaving much earlier.  I panicked because I wasn’t ready to think about them being gone yet.

3. What is the trigger emotion?

A trigger means that a current experience triggered an earlier memory.  So a current experience includes current feelings, thoughts and beliefs associated with it.  An earlier memory includes an earlier experience of feelings, thoughts, and beliefs at that earlier time.

The trigger is a connection between the two experiences.

This connection between the current experience and the earlier experience is like a road created between the two experiences.  This connecting road usually is created by a common feeling/thought/belief between the two experiences.

Hang in there with me, let’s simplify this… here’s an example of a triggered situation.

I was recently triggered by a difficult feeling of rejection when my friend left early to go out of town.  That feeling triggered my behavior of crying.  I realized another time I had felt like this was when I was a teenager and my friend left early.  In that earlier experience, I also felt rejected.

Trigger = feeling rejected

Trigger behavior reaction = crying

Current experience = being left by a friend

Earlier experience = feeling rejected as a teenager

This is how to return back to Reality Land, one step at at time: identifying triggers is one step.

4. What is an earlier experience with the same difficult feeling?

Bingo, that was it!  With the rage of feeling rejected, all the emotions engulfed me from years ago.  I thought I had resolved those feelings, so I was very surprised when they surfaced.  I shared this experience with a wise peer of mine, and she said I must be ready to face these feelings if they are surfacing now.

She was right, I am now more prepared with coping skills and now more stable to reflect on this rejection.  Since I remember feeling rejected at an earlier time in my life, that earlier feeling was triggered into the present moment of feeling rejected.  The same feeling at two different times, all comes flooding in at once.

Going back to an earlier memory helped me associated my pain that I have carried for 20+ years.  So, I reflect more on the earliest memory I have feeling rejected, back to elementary school age.  Now I remember the feeling and the circumstances happening.

Part of returning back to Reality Land is identifying earlier experiences with the same feeling.

This is a deep trigger because it connects to my childhood. It is helpful to know because the next time I feel rejected, I will already know that I am strongly triggered to earlier memories and I need to be aware of my reaction.

5. Self-compassion heals difficult emotions.

Triggered Emotion = 21 Buckets

Triggered emotions can be like pulling up a bucket of water from a well, then wandering why the bucket is so heavy, realizing that there are 20 buckets tied to the first bucket.  You have been pulling on 21 buckets, not just one.

When one emotion is pulled, there are times that the one emotion may pull up other emotions or memories.  That is why the one emotion may be so heavy and so big, there is more than one emotion or memory.

Look back to an earlier bucket or memory with the same emotion, realize and accept this moment of suffering.  There may be some freedom in just acknowledging that time as a time of suffering.

Many people suffer from rejection and have a difficult time dealing with it.  Giving yourself compassion for suffering may be helpful and allow healing to begin.

Okay, now we are back to Reality Island, looking at the realistic situation around us and how to deal with the difficult emotions.

Dr. Kristen Neff has free great self-compassion guided meditations and exercises similar to the positive affirmation below.  This is my adapted version of one of Kristen’s self-compassion affirmations.

Positive Self-Compassion Affirmation:

I accept this is a moment of suffering.

This suffering is temporary, I am not alone.

I will be kind to myself, and I will be ok.

Real Life Application:

1. What is one emotion that may be difficult or challenging?
2. Think about an earlier memory of the same emotion, can you give yourself compassion for suffering at this time?
3. What does this part of you need?  Compassion?  Acceptance?  Grace?

Gain Peace in Relationships

Having compassion for yourself fills your love tank so that you can now give love to others.

Self-compassion –> Compass ion for others

The more compassion you have for yourself and others, the more peaceful you are inside and outside.  Your relationships will be more peaceful.

Reality Land has lots of compassion resources if we will take time to fill our love tank with compassion for ourselves.  Then we have compassion to give to others when they are in need.

Download this free Positive Affirmation: Self-Compassion as a printable for your fridge or desk.

Summary of this post:

5 Steps to Heal from Difficult Emotions

Healing begins with knowing 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions.

1. Putting up Walls
2. Reflection begins Healing Recovery
3. Avoidance Island is Temporary Relief
4. Diving in Alone vs. with Help
5. 5 Steps to Heal from Difficult Emotions:
   Healing begins with knowing 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions.
   Steps #1-5

I hope this journey of 5 steps to deal with difficult emotions has been helpful improving your wellness.  I’d love to hear about your journey towards wellness and what helps you heal with difficult emotions?

How do you get off Avoidance Island?  How do you emotionally return to Reality Land?

I’d love to hear from you, please leave me a comment, or join me on Facebook, Pinterest, or Instagram.

Blessings,
Beth

Need help finding a counselor?

If you need someone to help to talk to, counselors and mental health professionals can help provide support resources on:

• time management
• stress management
• procrastination
• relaxation skills
• goal setting
• personal development

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